Guilty Conscience

I’ve been in this emptiness

Not sure if I’ve gotten lost or if my life has passed me by 

Every time that I take a blink

I dive back in a fog 

Just thinking about it makes me want to jump back into my bed 

Then I sit and think 

Daydreaming

Starring blankly

It seems as if there is no ending to what I’m calling nightmares daily 

A nightmare of false hopes

Restless and helpless 

I’ve been in a funk 

More like smelly junk 

Holding onto a grudge that I thought I had overcome 

Only to hate myself 

Regret the people around me 

Wondered if I was supposed to jump

Jump from the first to the next and back again? 

Wasn’t I supposed to move on from this and then begin again? 

My heartaches glanced over 

My heart aches even from bending back over 

All for what I thought was changed 

I’ve been battling with the devil and the angel on my shoulders 

Misguided by fragments of the truth 

Miserable about where I should have been

Could have been

What was to be accomplished yet was the reason for falling over hurdles 

Helpless doesn’t describe the gist of this. 

All I feel is that I am back into this Ferris wheel of emotionless

An endless rollercoaster 

A revolving door I’m stuck in 

I am here 

Fighting myself to believe in change when change no longer exists

Here I am 

Fighting to love 

When love only had failed me again and again

The pain had ruled every love 

Lies and cheating have deceived us all 

Here I am 

Again 

And 

Again 

Tongue-tied 

More like hog-tied 

Fighting this battle

From chains 

Hoping for change when in reality all I see is the lames 

Lame excuses for what I thought would be the truth 

Yet back again in the hot seat for being truthful 

Or should I say ruthless? 

Now I am here again 

Believing in what I thought might be a sugar-coated message 

But I loved hard and now hard just makes my body itch 

What do I say? 

What can I say? 

I’ve been circling the block asking myself over and over if this was worth it 

Is this the way? 

If it can be a time where I don’t doubt what I did 

Who I did 

When I did it

Even in the end, would anyone care about me the same way I did? 

Or will I have to continue to lose love, family, and friends

Do I have to continue to end joyous days because of mischief? 

Guilt

Broke 

Doubt 

Just some of the things I’ve been feeling 

Feeling a drought 

Feeling like being cooped up in this house had made me weak 

Feels like letting my kindness take over me

made me weak 

It makes me dread being an optimist

It makes me dread loving from a distance 

Even dreading telling them first how I feel 

But who am I to doubt my heart 

But here I am because of it 

These are my last days 

My heart had me in a chokehold 

She had me trying to figure it all out 

Why I’ve been talking from the heavens as if y’all could hear me out 

Kaleidoscope Eyes

Instructions for reading this poem:

Please read clockwise. Start from the top, work your way around, and then do the same for page two.

The window in which I devote time to

dividing my time

and assembling the pieces of my

collage using my kaleidoscope eyes.

The window that connects the corners together to pinpoint the edge of

that time with the edge of this time to

extend my line to form new sides as I

rediscover the feelings of loss and pain

neglected by an ignorant soul that only knew stillness like the

calm of an unbothered puddle.

That same window where I wonder which of

these butterflies will lift me up should I

lose my balance, and so I walk the fine line

between the realms of insanity and reason

searching for the stability found when you know

Loyalty.

The window where I put on the greatest

performance maintaining my balance

as I teeter on the tightest rope above a crowd of

on-looking butterflies.

Mind over Pleasure

Mind Over Pleasure

An Urban Tale

KP the intellectual 

Part One - Yessenia 

Yessenia’s Apartment

I woke up in the middle of the night to a text from my Jimmy that read picked this up from the local book shop, thought of you. Attached was a photo of "All About Love" by bell hooks. I would have taken this text lightly if I hadn't received it at 4:44 am. The photo shows it was taken in the daytime; this was far past daytime. Finding any reason to text me, this was typical shit for Jimmy.

It must have been one of those nights that Jimmy's in his feels. Finding any way to peak a rise out of me. I knew this was one of Jimmy's cries for sexual healing. Traces of me still lingered in his mind. Or maybe he finally came across one of my lace thongs I had left lying around his place after one of our wild sessions. Two things for sure, one thing's for certain I knew he still craved my intellect that, would also peak his sex drive. Jimmy's dick was maybe six inches while soft and maybe 8 when fully aroused. He worked it like a magic stick, stroke game was immaculate. His sex was captivating. He handled me with care. Caressing every aspect of my body and curves. He knew I was a fanatic for foreplay, and he did just that. He would breathe heavily around my neck raising my temperature. Trace his fingers down the lace seams of my panties, tugging on my panties. He traced his tongue around the outlining of my nipples. He was a master of cunnilingus; his tongue was a lethal sword. He would make me moan sweet melodies. He played my body as though it was an instrument. Jimmy and I had a connection that was out of this world. We would talk for hours about everything. From books to politics to the matters of the heart. He would break down the issues of Black America as though the listener played a direct role in the demise. He would spark a fire in anyone he was having a conversation with and make them want to take action. He made even the biggest ego feel smaller than the hole in a needle. In the daytime, Jimmy made sense of all of the world's issues and even offered step-by-step instructions for its solutions. His essence was that of a true patriarch.

But at night, Jimmy was dark. Jimmy would drink and there would be a complete monster that crept out the seams. Jimmy had his own set of demons he was fighting, that no one knew about. Jimmy would disappear at times and completely stand me up. T-shirt and panties on. I would wait up for him and he would leave me with text messages saying sorry, inviting me to dinner the following day. He would send my edible arrangements, and have an Uber driver pick me up to take me to a hotel room that was filled with rose petals and the finest bottle of Prosecco. In the beginning, I thought it was typical dude shit, blow me over to spend the evening with some other female. Until one time about 18 months into our relationship, I took matters into my own hands and went straight to his apartment. I usually had a spare key to come over when he was out at work or when I needed peace of mind. Jimmy had an apartment in LES, overlooking the East River. I enjoyed overlooking the water, plus he lived near white people, so it was always much quieter.

I thought I would catch him with maybe cheating on me. I would walk into the apartment to find him on the couch sprung with multiple bottles of alcohol of all types. One time I even found him with E Pills and Molly. I didn't know how to react. I was disgusted, but I cleaned up the bottles and the mess and acted like nothing was there. I woke him up and brought him to the bathroom. I cleaned him up and I cooked us breakfast. I ended up not being able to stop thinking about what I had just seen and I asked him, "What was that about?"

"What was what about?" he says, playing with his food. Reluctant to look at me.

"You know what I'm talking about the alcohol? The pills? What was you trying to do?" I asked peeking up at him while eating my toast.

"My mom came into town this past weekend. We were talking, you know there's still so much shit I'm bothered about I have bottled up. I just don't want to feel it anymore. She came popped up on me in my doorway, asking for money I didn't have. I was going through a financial issue with the financial department regarding my tuition balance. I can't even rely on her to guide me in life, but I have to fund her lifestyle, all because she gave birth to me."

"I hate to hear that that's bothering you so much, if there's any way you would like me to help take your mind off of that, let me know," I say while sipping my tea.

"I'm good, what's that you sipping?"

"Lemon Ginger," I say, staring into the window.

We carried on with our day, but I will never forget the feeling of not knowing how to address someone's trauma when I had spent so much time just studying trauma. From all the examples of relationships in my life, I thought it was my responsibility to see this through with Jimmy. I could tell him all the ways he was broken but never a solution on how to fix him. With all the reckless behavior, I started to get annoyed that he wouldn't try fixing his issues.

I met Jimmy while working part-time at my college's campus bookstore. Jimmy had a few issues with a couple of his course materials. He was trying to arrange for his textbooks to be picked up at the bookstore because the last two orders were stolen. I thought he was fine as hell, and I wanted first dibs to make an impression. I was a curvy brown-skinned curly-headed girl, with a hell of a body. I was a mixed woman of the African Diaspora. I was stacked. I had a fat ass from Africa, large voluptuous breasts from Central America, and Hips from Santo Domingo to match these nicely plumped legs and thighs that were firm yet meaty right here from The Bronx.  I had skin like gold, that made my smile illuminate with glee. I usually had an advantage in any situation with just the crack of a smile and a flutter of blinks. I was bright and boisterous with knowledge oozing off my tongue each time I opened my mouth. I was ahead of my own time, and I knew it. Jimmy was three years older than me. That turned me on. I wasn't able to learn much from men intellectually, but I was curious if he had something on the physical level to teach me.

I walked over to the brown-skinned guy with the jock physique.

"Hey, I'm Yeye, can I help you with something?"

"Yeah, can you help me track my order?" he said, with these brown almond-shaped eyes. He stood six feet tall with curly hair, some of which were locked. He had a nose ring and a scar above his right eye. We could have been brothers and sisters, not in a weird incest way but in we were from the same side of town kind of way. Maybe he was also mixed somewhere in his bloodline. I felt like I saw his life path the moment I looked at him. He was a King, being starved. He was asleep. I wanted to wake him up. It was my duty to bring him awareness of his greatness. I wanted him to see himself the way I saw him. Beautiful.

But this was no time for reminiscing. I was serious about not playing mommy to a grown-ass man. Jimmy wanted me to coddle him. I guess somewhere down the line he saw my want to fix him, and he took advantage of it. I always was taught if someone would fumble and confuse gold of tin was a fool. Jimmy was that. A fool.

I texted back, "Not tonight, have a busy day tomorrow. great book btw" I locked my phone and turned it over.

I thought back to the thought of wanting to fix Jimmy. I meditated on the title of the book he sent me, "All About Love", was this a sign? I still loved him. I still felt for him. I saw him as a man desperately wanting the affection of a woman. I also saw the misguided boy, a boy halfway abandoned by his mother. When we met, he was just twenty-one and I was eighteen. He was breaking norms as a black man, supporting himself through college trying to make something out of himself. I wanted that success story with him. In a lot of ways, I felt we were perfect for each other. We both were flawed but were nearly perfect in the eyes of the adversary.

I bit my lip, gripped my blanket close to me, and closed my eyes. I told myself the next time he texted me, I would get my final fix on him and be done with it for good.

Neglect

Shaiyke Jordan

Poem

All we do is hurt

And cause each other pain

But Blood is blood and Tears are tears

No matter what group you claim

Recognize the division

We continue to perpetuate

If equality is what we’re after

Then why do we continue to separate

Should I be denigrated

For embracing my heritage with passion,

Being proud of my culture,

Or celebrating my faith by donning its fashion?

Don’t vilify me

For another’s fallacies and crimes

Don’t cast your prejudice on me

And say “This was done by your kind”

See me for who I am

And see me for what I do

Respect begets respect

And you would want me to see you for you

Separate is not equal

So don’t tell me lies

Cause the truth I can see

When I look from behind these eyes

Last time I checked, we were all human

So why is it that we can’t relate

Because our biology is different

You’re telling me we can’t break bread or eat from the same plate?

Instigating hate

Because we don’t understand

But understand this,

You need to love your fellow man

So don’t neglect man because of how they love

For I have clearly seen

That love isn’t limited

To the make-up of one’s genes

Don’t neglect man

When it begins with “Wo”

Because without them,

Where the FUCK is man gonna go

Don’t neglect man

When their skin isn’t the same as you

Realize that masterpieces

Need other colors too

Empathy, sympathy

These things don’t cost a dime

But the moment you forget to have a heart

Is when you put your soul on the line

So change what’s in your heart

By changing what’s in your brain

And you’ll never forget that WE   

Are all the HU in humane 

Ocean 42

Shaiyke Jordan

Poem

Do I wade with your current?

....knowing I'll be the package to your courier,

Recipient: Emotionally Invested Waters

....knowing I'll drown once I open myself to you

Do I stare at your impending Tsunami, 

As it bears down on me,

Knowing the wave you bring will wash me away?

Do I volunteer myself for tribute?

Willingness to throw oneself in the deep end,

            in your deep end,

Knowing YOU can't save me

      if I can't swim on my own

If I dive in,

...do I blame myself for submerging into you

...finding reasons to resent the rain for making me think of you

...my eyes,

will my eyes swell with regret 

and shapeshift my pain into an 

Ocean

at my feet?

Have you kept your heart 

Above troubled waters?

            Or

Do your lungs fill like mine do; 

Frantically clawing, grasping for air

But afraid to breathe into each other

Unsure if they can get more from "us"

Than "me"