Guilty Conscience

I’ve been in this emptiness

Not sure if I’ve gotten lost or if my life has passed me by 

Every time that I take a blink

I dive back in a fog 

Just thinking about it makes me want to jump back into my bed 

Then I sit and think 

Daydreaming

Starring blankly

It seems as if there is no ending to what I’m calling nightmares daily 

A nightmare of false hopes

Restless and helpless 

I’ve been in a funk 

More like smelly junk 

Holding onto a grudge that I thought I had overcome 

Only to hate myself 

Regret the people around me 

Wondered if I was supposed to jump

Jump from the first to the next and back again? 

Wasn’t I supposed to move on from this and then begin again? 

My heartaches glanced over 

My heart aches even from bending back over 

All for what I thought was changed 

I’ve been battling with the devil and the angel on my shoulders 

Misguided by fragments of the truth 

Miserable about where I should have been

Could have been

What was to be accomplished yet was the reason for falling over hurdles 

Helpless doesn’t describe the gist of this. 

All I feel is that I am back into this Ferris wheel of emotionless

An endless rollercoaster 

A revolving door I’m stuck in 

I am here 

Fighting myself to believe in change when change no longer exists

Here I am 

Fighting to love 

When love only had failed me again and again

The pain had ruled every love 

Lies and cheating have deceived us all 

Here I am 

Again 

And 

Again 

Tongue-tied 

More like hog-tied 

Fighting this battle

From chains 

Hoping for change when in reality all I see is the lames 

Lame excuses for what I thought would be the truth 

Yet back again in the hot seat for being truthful 

Or should I say ruthless? 

Now I am here again 

Believing in what I thought might be a sugar-coated message 

But I loved hard and now hard just makes my body itch 

What do I say? 

What can I say? 

I’ve been circling the block asking myself over and over if this was worth it 

Is this the way? 

If it can be a time where I don’t doubt what I did 

Who I did 

When I did it

Even in the end, would anyone care about me the same way I did? 

Or will I have to continue to lose love, family, and friends

Do I have to continue to end joyous days because of mischief? 

Guilt

Broke 

Doubt 

Just some of the things I’ve been feeling 

Feeling a drought 

Feeling like being cooped up in this house had made me weak 

Feels like letting my kindness take over me

made me weak 

It makes me dread being an optimist

It makes me dread loving from a distance 

Even dreading telling them first how I feel 

But who am I to doubt my heart 

But here I am because of it 

These are my last days 

My heart had me in a chokehold 

She had me trying to figure it all out 

Why I’ve been talking from the heavens as if y’all could hear me out